every perfect frozen moment

i don't even remember the work my blog title/tagline are from anymore.

one of these days i'll undertake the quest to find it.

in the meantime, i'm trying to decide whether to post up Pine Valley '10 reflections here or on my wordpress.
not like anyone reads either. blogs are so... ignorable these days. that's what explosive proliferation does, huh.

decision:
i rather like this page more, despite its near-faux pas status. xkawai @ wordpress is so... dark. and empty.

and my PV thoughts were formed at sunrise anyway. (although the other page does speak of dawn)

anyway to preface, since the few entries underneath are going to appear nearly all at once,

Ohmygoodness this morning is such a treasure. First a blue jay showed up in a nearby bush & flew beautifully to the tree, then I watched a hummingbird feed, and one of the two here actually came to within a foot of my head! I have never been so amazed and yet scared a little at the same time.

I purposed to come to the cross to write encouragement notes, but I didn't even get a sentence down before my pen died. Sadface because I have yet to write three of my ickle cabbies, & if possible there's just so much more I'd like to say to several.

Kevin may be leading morning worship today. I'd be proud.

OMG A HUMMINGBIRD. I have never been that close to a hummingbird in my life. & somehow I doubt I will again.

I was playing Whirly Word to wait for dawn when suddenly this puttering buzz revved up right in front of me. Apparently that's the sound a hummingbird makes when it pulls up, because when I raised my head, one was literally in my face. At less than three feet away, I could have reached out and kicked it. I started, instinctively--and in voluntarily shrinking back, and it retreated to a tree. But not before it had given me that eternal moment of its presence and God's admonition to pay attention to the things that matter.

Last night Connie and I led small group. And they talked! They all talked because I made--erm, asked--them to just give me one thing from the message. They opened up surprisingly quickly to that, but I didn't follow up on the comments/points very well. Next time.

Rick talked about the application of being a Good Samaritan and thus following Jesus' example in helping the hurting. I shared about my buying a hobo a Jamba and myself receiving a random act of kindness unsolicited during. Also the night I backed away--more or less ran--from sharing truly* about my faith and God to a friend when the perfect window suddenly opened--and caught me by surprise.


* the iPod note ends here. i have finished the thought, but not the entire train.

I'm tired. Unrested. I saw the fifty-degree forecast & said, "I can handle that. That's just a jacket in Berkeley." But I've reacclimated. & last night was not peaceful slumber.

My girls are talking to me already. M & J, at least, partly through cvan. I am hopeful & no longer so doom & gloom.

Rick's sharing last night really convicted me about how lazy I've been when it comes to Mexico prep. As the veteran expected to be able to produce & lead vbs, I've not well lived up to it, & tomorrow marks T-minus three weeks. Three.

I almost missed this sunrise because I wanted so badly to get sleep. Real sleep. It was so tempting. But sitting here in the warmth of my Father's dawn embrace, everything feels not less imperative but less daunting. Sleep deprivation? Time crunch? Flagging Spanish? Fuhgettaboutit, he says. You're my precious daughter. You can do it. You got this, mama.
That's comforting beyond words.

in hong kong,

after dinner with my mom's side.

a cable car went by (they're double-decker over here), the top full of young, happy men dressed in wintry white & cream.

& as they coast down the center of the lit street, by shoppers & diners & lovers,

"Merry Christmas!"
in three tongues
can be heard,

accompanied, if you'd look, by smiling, open faces, and

Angels We Have Heard On High begins as it and they pass my family,
emerging on the sidewalk from the restaurant's lobby.

Happy Christmas, world, and
God bless us, every one.

how many other people die every time i walk home?

for the same reason that manages to make my monday mornings marginally mejor.

[istillheartalliteration.]

i lied earlier. i haven't started your letter. i haven't even started thinking about your letter.

but on the happy side--

to avoid writing your letter i wrote two other letters! & also enveloped them and addressed the envelopes, so now there is happy mail ready to leave my possession.

i also wrote up and printed out my externship applications, the cover sheet and all three pairs of intereststatement/resume. with copies for my records. so now i'm hoping for a happy externship after my rside/lasc/sd visits!

aaaaaaaand i finished chem homework.

see how productive you make me? should stop talking to me more often.

oh wait. that's illogical & nonsensical.
guess you've still got that ability in ya, too.

whaddyaknow.

funny, you know those texts where every read gives a new angle, another interpretation, fresh revelation, unseen connections, unrealized applications?

i wish i could come back to His word as much and as personally as i come back to yours.

it's hard, though, because if you live true now,
and you lied before,
what should i take as truth? on what do i base my response?
can i believe what you said, then?

i'll start your letter tonight.
maybe you'll get it this weekend--
oh, at six months.

then i guess i'll aim for this weekend.
just for sixmonths.


edit: [1528 hours]
the title is a typo, but a subconscious indicator?
i'll leave it.

i'm tired.

i'm tired of studying previous midterms and practice problems for chemistry, then learning that the real midterm has nothing to do with this stuff.
i'm tired of feeling like i got the material, then being walloped with a packet of paper from--literally--out of nowhere.
i'm tired of being betrayed by chemistry.
i'm tired of chemistry.

i'm tired of my immune system crapping up when i'm running a business. i hate business.
i'm tired of being sick. & it hasn't even been two days yet.
i'm tired of being sick because
i'm tired of missing you.

i'm tired of missing you, because
i'm tired of being sick, and
i'm tired of wanting to curl up to get away from my physicalities, because
i'm tired of just wanting to be held.

i'm tired of conveniently remembering what it was like to be held.

by you.



otherwise, life's pretty good.